How Could I Have Missed It?

I missed it! All the solemn intentions of Ash Wednesday to prepare thoughtfully and prayerfully through Lent for the celebration of Easter were scattered in the whirlwinds of a Martha-life. Unlike the groggy disciples, I did not sleep through the time.


Far worse, I was absorbed in all the preparations and demands of the 40 days leading up to this Holy Day.

When I did sit down to rest, my mind wandered to inane amusements that were far removed from the impending events of Holy Week.

At the time when I should have been most diligent about cleaving closer, I allowed myself to drift even further away. Instead of digging deeper into the rich, life-nourishing Word, I gorged on empty calories of temporal preoccupations.

And now it's all over. I was so wrapped up in the tailgating party that was going on in the parking lot, I missed the entire Super Bowl...or that's how I feel, at any rate. How is it possible that all the peripherals took center stage and the Center got shunted to the sidelines? How is it possible that enormous alarm bells didn't go off in my head while the whole thing was going sideways?

My mind cannot even wrap itself around the absurdity of the situation.

Easter came and went, much like so many other Easters and Christmases where I parrot the phrases of "He is Risen indeed, Hallelujah!" and "Merry Christmas" without ever finding the time and space to stop and contemplate the profundity of it all. The meal was spectacular, the Easter baskets abundant and joyously received, the family time was festive and fun, but nowhere in all that celebration was there a moment of silent awareness and acknowledgement of the 'reason for the season'. Church was dutifully and cheerfully enough attended, hymns sung, and heads bowed but somehow it left me all empty. I missed the main event. Worse, it feels like the guest of honor never arrived, or even worse, like He did arrive but I never stopped to greet Him nor engaged in any conversation with Him.

I am left bereft of the Easter Joy. The transformation & healing that I had so desired on Ash Wednesday didn't happen. I am left with the same diseased lumps and bumps of sin I had before. He walked right past me but I never stretched out my hand to touch his robe. The streets are empty now with just the scattered debris of what transpired and though I was in the massive crowd, I missed it.

And yet, the eternity transforming event happened. The veil was torn apart and Heaven came crashing into earth. Whether we were paying attention or not, a significant transaction took place and all of humanity was ransomed for a heavy price. In the resurrection, the gates were flung open and He walked through, inviting us to follow Him. 

All that ails this world, that plagues and torments humanity was settled on the Cross. Everything we are experiencing and witnessing now is the vicious parting tirade of a sore loser. The battle has already been won. The uncontested Champion has been declared, despite the loser's protestations and dirt kicking. The celestial celebration has begun and will never end. I didn't miss it after all! And neither did You! We can still run through the gates and join in the Joy!

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,

“It has come at last—
    salvation and power
and the Kingdom of our God,
    and the authority of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
    has been thrown down to earth—
the one who accuses them
    before our God day and night.
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
    and by their testimony.
And they did not love their lives so much
    that they were afraid to die.
Therefore, rejoice, O heavens!
    And you who live in the heavens, rejoice!
But terror will come on the earth and the sea,
    for the devil has come down to you in great anger,
    knowing that he has little time.”

Revelation 12:10-12 (NLT)

Treasure of the Desert Fathers

A pivotal moment in my faith life came through a prayer that was passed on to me from a child of Christ in the Eastern Orthodox faith. This prayer succeeded in leading me to a place which numerous attempts at various meditation techniques had failed to accomplish.

I tend to suffer from a malady a dear friend of mine calls monkey-brain. It is the inability to control the paths my thoughts take or to quiet my mind long enough to hear from God. My repeated failures to achieve that inner peace had turned me into a bit of a sceptic about the supposed efficacy of "centering". While i dearly wished that it was possible, i had grown to accept that it was something i would never experience personally.

I was attending a fundraising banquet to benefit our local pregnancy counseling centre. The keynote speaker was an author who spoke very eloquently about the preciousness of life. In her speech she referenced the Jesus Prayer. Though she did not elaborate on it, the phrase caught on to me like a burr. I had never heard of it before and yet it demanded my attention. After the banquet there was an opportunity to meet with the speaker and i asked her to elaborate on the Jesus Prayer. She explained that it was a prayer which dated back to the Desert Fathers and had been passed down through the ages among Christians, particularly among those belonging to the Eastern Orthodox tradition. The purpose of the prayer was to tune our hearts to God. I confess that to a part of me it all sounded like another version of a meditation technique to achieve inner peace. There was another part of me, however, that seemed to believe all i was hearing. I picked up her short book "The Jesus Prayer: The Ancient Desert Prayer that Tunes the Heart to God" and set about to read it. 

Not long after, i made my first attempt at the prayer. I experienced the familiar jumbled cacophony of thoughts but managed to hang on to the thread of the prayer and persist through the turbulence until the thoughts quieted down and eventually faded into the background. The prayer is simple, like a mantra, yet brimming with profound significance: 

Jesus Christ, Son of God

Have mercy on me, a sinner.

What i noticed immediately was that it had a sobering effect on me. This went a long way in helping me to quiet my thoughts and kept a lot of silly notions at bay. As i continued praying, i did wonder whether my incessant repetition was annoying to God, but to my surprise, i found those fears dissipating almost as quickly as they had appeared. I continued to pray, concentrating on the words i was speaking and allowing them to define my posture before God. Unlike previous times, i seemed oddly disinterested in seeking an "experience". I simply prayed, desiring above all else, forgiveness. 

I became quietly aware of how my general condition of sinfulness was more of an issue than any particular sins that i may have been thinking about. I continued praying this way for a few days. While i still engaged in my usual prayers at other times of the day, i resisted the urge to wander off into random topics of prayer during the time i prayed the Jesus Prayer. While i cannot point to any road signs or clear signals along the way, i never the less felt secure in my path and its eventual destination, even though i could not have hazarded a guess about it. 

After a while, i became aware of the need to stop and just be silent. My mind was calm, clear and still. I remained in this state for a time, observing how comfortable i was in this place. Though i did not see God as such, i was conscious of being in His presence and having Him simply look at me, without either of us saying or doing anything. This continued for a while absent of any awkwardness or restlessness. 

Then, just as gently as i had been prompted to stop & be quiet, a slow unfolding of scenes started to happen. Layers of my life were being drawn back and the connections between actions and people were coming to light. I saw the ways in which my actions, some which were entirely inconsequential to me, had impacted people around me. I understood my culpability in matters i had never considered and the necessity to pray for the people my choices had affected. While i grieved for my sins, i felt no compulsion to hide or deny the truth of them. I simply wanted to confess them and ask God to redeem that which had been lost and to restore that which was broken.

The entire process was akin to the way i understood the process of sifting sand. As a kid, one of my favorite sandbox activities was to sift sand. I liked to sift out all the large pebbles, leaves and twigs first, working my way down until all that was left was a fine, soft pile of sand. I loved running my fingers through the smooth, soft sand. It was so clean and devoid of bits.

I wanted my life to be the same way, but i also understood that to get to that place, i needed to allow God to sift through all the layers of my life, removing all the bits and pieces that did not belong there. 

Through this process, i learned how God deals with sin and the sinner. I gained an understanding of hating the sin but loving the sinner. We are the fine sand that has been spoiled by so many bits and pieces of debris. Sometimes it is very hard to see the sand for all the rubbish, but God sees every fine grain of sand and desires for us to allow Him to sift it through back to its soft and clean state.

While i still battle vicious bouts of monkey brain and struggle with the daily need for repentance and renewal, i have found assurance of the Creator's love for me and of His close presence. The Jesus Prayer remains a treasured prayer which banishes the mindless meanderings of my mind and brings me swiftly to His Throne. I pray much more than i ever have before, yet i find myself saying far less. There is gravity in my prayers and long periods of total silence. These silences are not empty but brimming with life and meaning. They are vast and magnificent. Awesome yet comforting. The blessed destination of a forgiven sinner.

Spring Can Really Hang Me Up the Most….

It never fails, as soon as Spring takes her first halting steps, i am gripped with by a wistful homesickness that gnaws a chink into a wall that has successfully hidden a profound longing. I miss my homeland in a way that cannot be satisfied by spending hours scanning photos of landscapes, lake-front cottages (kesämökki), and the Helsinki market (tori)…and yet, here i am, pathetically feeding my homesickness.

The granite emerges from under the snow and beckons to be clambered upon in order to feel the spring breezes declare victory over winter.

There is something about the way the Finnish air feels at springtime. It's like the caress of a friend who knows & loves you. Though the lakes are still far too cold to dip into, there is the giddy anticipation of sunlit summer nights and Saturday evening saunas; languid rows on the lake, with frequent stops just to listen to the gentle lapping of the waves against the hull of the boat while peering into the clear waters for a glimpse of little fish.



Finns welcome Spring in such jubilant way. Vappu is perhaps the most raucous celebration, usually headed up by university students engaging in a panoply of mayhem & tomfoolery. There is much drinking, singing and laughter. Joy abounds as the Finns shed their winter cocoons and prepare to welcome the approaching summer.



Children are treated to balloons and the first opportunity in a long time to go outside without their thick winter jumpsuits. Parks are teeming with people, music, color - unbridled jubilation.




Grammar schools end the school year with heartfelt ceremonies where children sing about the beauty of spring (Suvivirsi). My heart quivers with the same joy i felt as a child, whenever i hear this song. The connection that the vast majority of Finns have to their Creator is so inherent in their DNA that it is easy to take it for granted, and yet, i don't believe that there is a Finn alive who does not sense this connection without being profoundly moved.

As summer approaches, Finns begin looking to abscond to their summer cottages (kesämökki). There is a sacredness to the cottage vacation which does not permit the intrusion of business. Finns spend a healthy span of time completely untethered from their offices and work obligations. Colleagues would not dream of disrupting that time with work-related phone calls or e-mails. Businessmen shed their suits and ties in favor of a well worn pair of Nokia gumboots (kumisaappaat) and A-shirts. Life is simple and precious. The time is spent fishing, berry & mushroom picking, "cooking up" the sauna, rowing, and roasting sausages (HK'n sininen) over a campfire.

Finnish forests are full of wild strawberries and blueberries, cloudberries and cranberries, chanterelles, brittle gills and porcini. Poisonous mushrooms abound as well, so it is always best to pick with a knowledgeable companion.

There is nothing quite like sautéed fresh mushrooms in heavy cream, served over dill-boiled yellow potatoes & grilled lake fish, followed by bowl of berries in lightly sugared milk.

The simplicity of cottage life and the quiet immersion into nature's rhythm balances and restores a person unlike anything else.

There are no agendas or schedules, one simply goes with the flow. Anxieties and stresses evaporate upon exhaling, replaced by breathing in tranquility and contentment.

The aim is just to be, authentically, simply and thankfully: Just Be.

The beauty of it all is that everyone in Finland truly understands and permits this to happen. There is a joke that the Russians invaded Finland one summer and marched triumphantly into Helsinki only to find that everyone had gone to their cottages for summer holidays, rendering the victory rather pointless, so the demoralized Russians returned home. While some will insist that vacations are permitted in the States as well, i would contend that they are tolerated and usually come at a price many would rather not pay: from the formidable amount of office related pre-vacation prep to the hellacious volume of post-vacation e-mail, the paltry two-week escape suddenly turns from a blessing into a curse. To me this communicates a kind of disrespect or a passive-aggressive jealousy of the intending vacationer…yet, i realize that much of it happens just as a matter of course because of the way we conduct business and how our values and priorities are set up. But enough of the unflattering comparisons and back to my idyllic homeland.

Summers are preciously short, so not one moment is wasted. There are festivals all over Finland to satisfy every music preference, outdoor museums and theaters. As a land of the midnight sun, children can play in the parks well into the night and sidewalk cafes bustle with life till all hours. The otherwise serious and retiring Finns pack the dance halls (tanssilava) and gather around massive bonfires (kokko) during St. John's Festival (Juhannus), also known as Midsummer.

While summer is undoubtedly a beautifully mystical time in Finland, and therefore the best time to be there, i would never pass up an opportunity to go home. I can only hope that gas prices will fall so low that even paupers can afford a plane ticket across the Atlantic…In the meantime, there are always Google images.

Perpetual Amnesia

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal. And their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors….Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to our senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat - the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden." C.S. Lewis The Weight of Glory

It is as though i suffer from perpetual amnesia as i stumble through my life. In the silence of the night, with no one disturbing my tranquil musings, the Truth seems so clear and simple to embrace. But bring on the day, and my memory dissolves into the quotidian cacophony of life.

What if i were able to sustain holy reverence toward those nearest and dearest to me for an hour each morning? What if i was able to sustain that reverence until noon?  What if i could remember to look for Christ hidden in my neighbor? What if i learned to see it every time?

May God grant me strength to hold on to this Truth and not forget.

Finnish Christmas [JOULU]

[Christmas is long past and i don't know why i did not post this then, but the sentiments remain as true today as they were back in December]

This time of year always makes me homesick for Finland. I have such fond memories of Christmas as a child. Janne is heading there this Wednesday and i am so happy for him. I hope that he will experience some of that tranquility and peace that only seems to happen in our dear homeland.

Janne on Santa's knee in Finland…check out his Nokia wellingtons...

Melukylän lasten joulu iloa. (Children's Christmas joy)

Finnish Christmas illustration by Martta Wendelin (below)

Birds are well tended to during the winter.

The Christmas Peace (Joulu Rauha) is declared over all the land at noon on Christmas Eve and all the hustle and bustle of quotidian life winds down to serene observance of Christ's birth.

Shops are closed, buses and trains stop running, and people gather together with friends and family to celebrate Christmas.

Presents are opened on Christmas eve. After the candle-lit church service, a festive meal and a joulu-sauna the household gathers to await Santa's arrival. Santa Claus (joulupukki) visits the family with his sack-full of gifts asking if there are any good girls and boys in the household. Children perform a song or poem they have memorized and Santa hands out the presents. Children are usually allowed to stay up as long as the want to play with their presents while the grownups settle in for the wondrous night. Christmas Day is spent at home quietly enjoying the most relaxing day of the year. Traditionally, Boxing Day - the day after Christmas (Tapaninpäivä), is spent visiting with friends and children often go skating, sledding or cross-country skiing. 

While I have developed a real fondness for the American Christmas, i do wish that it had a little more serenity. I miss the nationwide observance of this holy day that allows for everyone to disconnect simultaneously as opposed to struggling to jump off a fast-moving  merry-go-round that keeps spinning even when we have managed to fling ourselves off for a moment, only to brave stepping back on without missing a beat.

I found myself feeling so overwhelmed by the busyness of Christmas this year that i actually could not wait for it to be over, so i took decisive steps to preempt this from happening next year by putting in for vacation time; not so that i could spend it running around like a harried holiday-shopper but so that i could prepare my heart and home to receive the Christmas Peace at noon on Christmas Eve.

The quiet warmth of Christmas, friendly words, good will, light and joy!

Making The Clouds Move

There is a great word in Finnish to describe someone's (my) personality, "kulmikas". It means corner'y or angular, and it connotes someone who does not easily assimilate or conform in society, or could also mean someone who is "hard to get along with". Those who know me would most likely not impute this characteristic to me but, however i may appear to my friends and family, i very much feel like a corner'y person. In my inward being, I am constantly dealing with squalls of dissatisfaction, a critical spirit and a monstrous pride that infects and spoils so many beautiful moments and golden opportunities.

It's a dark and ugly cloud that descends over my mind, obscuring the light and beauty that exists all around me as real as the air i breathe. 

The remedy for this plague is simple yet one of the hardest things to do when one is consumed by the cloud: stop thinking about yourself and focus on making someone else happy, no matter how crappy you may be feeling about yourself. 

There is no quicker and more foolproof way to make the clouds part than fixing your eyes beyond yourself. You must run in the direction you least feel like going toward in order to escape because that's how the enemy has set the trap - to make us think and feel like we simply cannot and should not (are not fit to) be with others much less help anyone. 

It is our Heavenly Father's desire that we not live in fear or imprisoned in the clouds of the enemy's making. And we must never forget that anything that separates us from our brother and sisters or our Father is by the enemy's design. That being said, everyone of us will find ourselves in a cloud at one time or another and i hope that when you do find yourself in that place, you will remember that you are not abandoned. Nothing can separate you from the LOVE of Christ.


        "Where can i go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can i flee from Your presence?
         If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
         If I take the wings of the morning,
         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
         Even there Your hand shall lead me,
         And Your right hand shall hold me.
         If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
         Even the night shall be light about me;
         Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
         But the night shines as the day;
         The darkness and the light are both alike to You." Psalm 138:7-12
     

There is always a path, even through the thickets

I subscribe to a newsletter from an organization called the Transforming Center and while this is primarily intended for those in spiritual leadership, i have found it to be very illuminating and edifying in my life.

However, I have always struggled to successfully implement the recommended practices into my own life. Somehow, the tempo and melody of my life don't allow for the refined orderliness that the adoption of consistent practices requires, nevertheless, my heart and soul yearn for the benefits of said practices. I know that the right response to such a statement is that "if you desired it badly enough, you would find a way to bring the practices into your own life", and i cannot say that i disagree with that. But, i have found to my great delight that even in my odd-meter life, a way has been made for me to find moments of silence and solitude - even amid the noise and the crowds.

That is simply a witness once again to the baffling economy of God. The same God who thought that it would be perfect if the Saviour of the world was born in a stable housing farm animals, to an unmarried young woman. The same God who thought that the first people to bear witness to this amazing event should be lowly shepherds, who in those days were considered so unrealiable with the truth that they were barred from bearing witness in court - brilliant plan!

The same God who fed 5,000 plus with five loaves and two fish - and still had food leftover! The God who led the people of Israel around the wilderness for 40 years when they could have been in the Promised Land in about two weeks via the direct route. The same God who allowed Jacob's heart to be broken at the thought of having lost his favorite son, Joseph as a meal for wild animals, when in truth, he was transported to Egypt for a much greater purpose than being a favorite son of one Jewish father.

The point is, that we will never be able to figure out how God is going to manage our lives and the lives of those around us, but we can be absolutely certain of the fact that He sees every single aspect of our existence, knows the desires of our heart, and is perfectly capable of bringing it to pass according to His perfect will. All that He looks for from us is the willingness to let Him make it happen. Sometimes learning to let Him be in charge takes 40 years of wilderness wandering. Sometimes, like the woman desperate for healing, it merely requires gently grazing the hem of his garment as He passes by, to be fully restored. 

More often than not, my life has consisted of brief grazes of the hem but even those have been magnificently rich in their transforming power. While i still desire to have a life with ordered times of silence and solitude, i know that for my Lord, turning my feeble and fleeting moments into epic sabbaticals is no challenge. He can find a way for me through the thickets and thistles of my life to meet with Him. How can I do anything but accept them with a joyfully grateful heart?